Bonds & Bonding Pt 2

Wasn't in the mood for writing silly but my Grumpy column in Tsunami is due tomorrow, so here is this. If you haven't read the first installment, read it here first, otherwise it might not make a whole lot of sense... which it might not do anyway.

Grumpy

Lee Bemrose

While my friend snores into her pizza, I sneak a look at my undies to see whether they are cool enough to join my drunk pantie-clad mate in a bit of... a bit of what, exactly? Surely even as drunk as I am – which is profoundly – surely I can accept that it would not be cool to be found by my girlfriend eating pizza in my undies with my female best mate wearing what have to be the littlest tiny undies known to mankind... I mean look at them, I giggle drunkenly as I point, teeny weeny little tiny teeny weeny… whoa, I think, way drunk. Head-spinningly drunk. Fucked. Should do something.

What I do is, I have another drink, like this is going to give my brain a head-start on how to deal with this crisis of pizza and panties and the most beer in the world, which shall be henceforth referred to forthwith by my brain as ‘The Great Pizza and Panties Crisis of... erm... The Year It Took Place In And We Drank All The Beer In The World’. But all my head can come up with - besides a pretty obviously cumbersome and completely shitty name for my current predicament is another bout of inane giggling. And pointing. It also throws in a bit of dribbling for good measure

Okay, I tell myself in a grown up tone, get serious about this. There’s two options... actually there’s heaps of options... the more I sit there looking at all the options, the more options unfold before my wide and bedazzled eyes... just millions and millions of options unfolding like... like optionfractals! My God! I think I’ve just discovered a whole new concept no fucker has ever thought of before. Optionfractals. Brilliant. Gotta write this down. They’re going to think I’m the next Einstein or that other brainy guy with the apple. Oh God this is sooo cool. This is even better than when I came up with the idea of Brainhands... little tiny hands that your brain uses for grabbing thoughts that...

Minutes or hours pass and I decide I should be not here because the no pants thing is going to require a lot of explaining if my girlfriend walks out. By a miracle of millions of years of evolution I lurch my way to some kind of standing position... it’s exactly like standing, but wobbly.

And looking wobblingly down at my mate as she dreams into her pizza, I decide that something must be done.

To be continued.