Dear God

Dear God,

I'd like it if you could make a few modifications to the current model me please.

1. Caring. I'd like to care a little less please. In theory, caring (about humans in particular) is a very nice concept, but when it's coupled with the level of fuckwittedness you have bestowed upon me it just becomes inconvenient. It would just make being me a lot easier if I didn’t care when I upset people and could just say fuck ‘em, they need to toughen up. I reckon Utter Bastards must also be the happiest bastards around because they just don’t let things like upsetting people ruin an otherwise perfectly fine day.

2. Fuckwittedness. If you absolutely refuse to tweak my facility for caring so much about the few people I do care about, could you maybe consider making me less of a fuckwit please? Or maybe a complete fuckwit? Complete Fuckwits, like Utter Bastards, must be pretty damn happy folk, but you’ve given me just enough fuckwittedness to make it really annoying. Like, 90% of the time I’m a reasonably nice person, and 10% of the time I am Superfuckwit. Fuckwiticisms fall from my mouth like lies from a politician’s. So if I’m going to be a fuckwit, can it be all the time please?

3. Penis Size. Okay, so here’s the deal, God. You fucked up in the above two areas, but for some reason built me with a penis that – let’s face it – is nothing short of colossal. It’s stunning. Breathtaking. She really is quite a beauty. I mean, thanks and everything – The Tripod was a very cool primary school nickname which made me feel like a Transformer or something – but I’ve just never really felt that I need quiiiite this much penis. So the thing is, you can take some of it back if you like, in return for fixing up the above. Maybe leave me with just enough to amuse myself, but give all the rest to someone who really needs a bit more penis to make them feel good about themself... like George Bush. And who knows - maybe then he’ll stop bombing the shit out of everything.


I hope you can help.

Yours in anticipation,

Quick.

PS, Thanks for penguins. Love your work.