Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Staying Here, For Now

Hey. Hey you, yeah you.
I've got it now,
I understand what's going on.
I'm a guy in this story,
There's no other explanation,
I'm just a guy in this story.

I'm this guy in this story
About love
And missed opportunities
And understanding
And misunderstanding
And understanding
That life is eternal
But our brief experience of it
Is fleeting.

I'm a story.
You are a story.
He told a story,
She heard his story,
They became a part of each others story.

Out there in the universe,
That vast, vast universe,
They held hands and looked
Into each others cosmic eyes.

Transmission of information,
He didn't know how.
You have to stay on this planet,
You must stay here,
Said in a strange and distant voice.

Really, you need to stay here.

Confusion.
Why are you saying this?
Why are you saying these things?
Why are you saying this?
I don't understand why you are saying this.

She said,
Because I know.
I know what you are going to do.
I know. I see you, and I know.
You need to stay here and tell your stories
And help people.

And I will stay here and help people,
Even though right now
I also want to leave.
Okay, he said, not now,
I'll stay for now
If you stay too.
And she said that she will stay too.

For now.

Monday, January 09, 2017

Hating Love

Imagine shouting hate at a rainbow.
Imagine tearing the wings off a butterfly.
Imagine punching love in the heart
With a fistful of your shit.

No, I can't imagine it either.

Sunday, January 08, 2017

Diego & Tallulah, Love & Friendship

This is the Belafonte twins, Diego and Tallulah. I am the pretty and feminine one Tallulah, on your right. The one on the left is my rugged and handsome brother, Diego. I'll explain later.

What a wild ride this particular friendship has been. It all started here more than a year ago. From that first day I felt there might be some kind of connection. I was right; there is one strong connection. Loredana/Kafka Woman/Diego and I have been through a lot. We've had wonderful laughs, heated arguments and strange mood days we gave a name to: Jeff Goldblum. We'd get into these moods that spiraled down into gloomy silence, so much so that we agreed to give the mood a name so that we could deal with it and break the mood. I think Jeff Goldblum is back, one of us would say. Yes, fucking Jeff Goldblum - I thought he was dead, the other would say. And we'd talk our way out of it.  I'm happy to say that Jeff Goldblum is properly dead now. We've been through a lot this past year, and now simply feel the relaxed air of the very best of friends.

Which is not to say that everything is relaxed. Diego & Tallulah, they are solid. Solid in spite of the suspicions and jealousy from others. What I've learned through this is that people believe that you should tell your friends that you love them while you can, just so long as those friends aren't younger than you and of the opposite gender. Yes, she is 20 years younger than me and yes, she is beautiful. But youth and beauty will only get you so far. We've gotten to know each other, and we like what we've gotten to know. We like each other. We trust each other. We are not possessive of each other because it's just not that kind of relationship. None of the stereotypical cliches are at play here. I'm not in it for the sex - there has been no sex. She is not in it for money - I have no money, and in any case, she has always bought her share of the drinks. We simply like being together and talking and laughing. It really is as simple as that.

And hasn't that caused some drama. So much drama, in fact, that I want to write a comedy/drama about it. There has been so much craziness that I don't feel I can let it go to waste. I think a stage play is the thing, a black comedy asking some important questions. Can people really accept that a friendship between an older guy and a younger woman is just that? I know it's been dealt with before, but some of the dialogue I already have down kind of sings, and I have a few good tricks to play.

Another question to ask: I've been in this position before of having much younger, close female friends, so I naturally have to take a good, hard look at what this is about. Why are my best friends always younger women? This is kind of confronting because it seems really shallow, yet oddly the friendships in question have been quite deep and have become mostly long term. Not that there have been a lot. Just a few, really. And I don't go looking for them. I'm actually very reclusive and people tend to leave me alone. I am content with this. I think even after all this time The Dreaded One doesn't quite get that I actually am a solitary man, because she sees the relaxed version of me, and I can be quite outgoing and funny and lively. It must be confusing for her.

So I don't go out looking for these young female best friends, but occasionally we find each other. In the case of the two twins in the photo, we worked together and we got to know each other. For some reason people confide in me and I've gotten used to that. They really open up sometimes and swear me to confidentiality, and believe me, my lips are sealed on so many secrets. Sometimes when this happens, Solitary Man opens up as well. That's when you really get to know a person. You get to know yourself as well, and at any point along this journey of getting to know each other, you can jump off. You might see a flaw in this other person or in yourself and decide it's not worth it. Or you can see those flaws in them or yourself and give up and say fuck it - I like them too much to let them down. Maybe you also think fuck it - I deserve this kind of friendship. I deserve someone who sees my flaws but cares about me anyway. I deserve that kind of love because I'm actually not a bad person. I'm okay, once you get to know me, it just takes time and fate and a certain kind of person to really see me.

After several false starts, she really has gone. She went to New Zealand, was not allowed back, then came back but only for a month, then found out she was allowed to stay longer, which she did, but now she's gone. She left on the 7/1/17. Thailand, then back to Switzerland. Then, who knows? Whatever happens, I suspect we'll be in touch for as long as both of us are around.

Oh yeah - Diego & Tallulah Belafonte... during a lull at the cafe I asked Kafka Woman what she would like her name to be if she were a guy. Diego, she replied. Diego, I repeated, and the name Belafonte came out. Diego Belafonte. Originally we were going to be the twins Diego and Diego Belafonte, because giving twins the same name was a tradition in the Belafonte family, stretching back generations. But then she asked me what I would be called if I were a girl. Tallulah was my response. And so the twins were born. I laugh at what others must think when they hear me call her Diego and she calls me Tallulah.

See? It's funny. Stuff is funny. Life is funny. Love is fun.

We have an idea of making a documentary about a day in the life of the identical twins Belafonte. I see it as being black and white with a deadpan delivery. They discuss such things as how they sound so much alike that their parents can't tell them apart on the phone and are always confused as to who they are talking to. Or how sometimes they cross-dress to confuse their friends. It's such a fun concept. As you can see in the photo, we look nothing alike. In real life, we sound nothing alike. We are years apart in age. The delusion is spectacular.

The friendship is real. If you want to find out if a thing is solid, you have to try to break it. I tried to break this thing, but it's solid. The doubters and the speculators can keep doubting and speculating. I really don't care.

Saturday, January 07, 2017

Self Esteem

My friend made a guitar,
A beautiful guitar
From the warmest wood
With his own hands.
Can you make a guitar
From wood,
With your own hands?

No, I cannot make a guitar
From wood
With My own hands.

I wove these threads
And made this thing,
This complex thing of knots.
Can you weave these threads
To make this complex thing of knots?

No, I cannot weave threads
To make complex knots
That make a thing of beauty.

My friend makes music,
She teaches music,
She is a creator of music.
Can you make music?

No, I cannot make music,
I cannot teach music,
I cannot create music.

I have this other friend,
This awesome friend,
His food is to die for,
It's seriously good food.
Can you make food that's to die for?

No, my food is ordinary,
I am no culinary wiz,
My food is not to die for.

That person there,
He juggles and twirls,
Look how he juggles and twirls,
A magician of movement.
Can you juggle and twirl?

No, I cannot juggle
And I cannot twirl.
I'm not a juggler or a twirler,
Certainly no magician of movement,
I am none of these things.

I know this guy,
This mega rich guy,
Who built his empire,
On plastic and rubber.
Can you build an empire
On plastic and rubber?
Any empire at all?

No, I am not an empire builder,
I know nothing of plastic
Or rubber
Or empires either.

In fact, I'm not very good
At Anything at all.

Monday, December 12, 2016

I Don't Care

Christmas,
I don't care.
Birthdays,
I don't care.
Valentine's Day,
I especially don't care.
Mother's Day,
I don't fucking care.
Father's Day,
Don't fucking care.
New Year's Eve?
Don't fucking care.
National pride celebration?
Don't care.

The lost souls,
I care.
The broken ones,
I care.
The ones withe their weirdness
Searching for love,
I care.
The ones who need love,
I love,
And I care.

To the jealous ones,
I feel no jealousy.
To the angry ones,
I feel no anger.
To those who need to manipulate and control,
I wish you freedom,
Be free and let others be free.

And if you are incapable of doing that,
I don't care.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Current Mood

And no one asked if he was okay.